Core Competency #6: Listens Actively

In Episode 9, Coach Mel emphasised the importance of active listening as a cornerstone for success in building trust between coach and coachee. He began by asking us what active listening meant to us, what we were listening to and what we were listening for in a coaching conversation.

We then went into an exercise where Coach Venkat was first asked what his favourite sport was and then what was the proudest moment in his life and we responded with our observations. This was followed by the analysis of the Chinese Character for the verb "listen" and a discussion of Otto Scharmer's 4 Levels of Listening before we then went deeper into ICF's Core Competency #6 descriptors.

Definition: Focuses on what the client is and is not saying to fully understand what is being communicated in the context of the client systems and to support client self-expression

1. Considers the client’s context, identity, environment, experiences, values and beliefs to enhance understanding of what the client is communicating

2. Reflects or summarizes what the client communicated to ensure clarity and understanding

3. Recognizes and inquires when there is more to what the client is communicating

4. Notices, acknowledges and explores the client’s emotions, energy shifts, non-verbal cues or other behaviors

5. Integrates the client’s words, tone of voice and body language to determine the full meaning of what is being communicated

6. Notices trends in the client’s behaviors and emotions across sessions to discern themes and patterns

Reflections:

1. Active listeners are deep thinkers who identify connections on different planes.

   1. There is deep auditory processing when there is active listening as we make meaning of words. We do not just use our ears to hear but we initiate a process of enquiry beyond the facts being given by the one who is speaking.

      1. We connect context, identity, environment, values and beliefs as the Coachee floats up fragments of memory in their narratives and occasionally expressions of emotion - how they felt at that time, how they are feeling now and how they want to feel or think or do.

      2. Peter Drucker, a management guru says "The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't said" There is sometimes a gap between what is said, what is meant and what the person wants to really say. That is when our other senses plus intuition and analysis come into play. We actively listen with our whole body, mind and spirit.

   2. Active listening is activated by Curiosity to find significant connections, not that we will understand but that we will help the Coachee understand the core issues and what is at stake

      1. By 'clarifying' we ensure that we have correctly understood and by reflecting, paraphrasing and summarising, we bring a focus for the Coachee at that point of time. This is important because most issues are like a bowl of paper clips - taking one out brings others with it. Clarifying should be aligned to the agreement made at the beginning of the session.

      2. Empathy and curiosity will also help us to be focused on active listening and this is perhaps what Scharmer calls Empathetic Listening

   3. Without Active Listening, no real coaching happens. Conversations? Maybe but no real coaching happens.
      

2. People today value being heard more than ever before because they know how listening does not equate hearing. We know people listen less and less today because they are so easily distracted by their own needs.

   1. Phrases like "I just need to be heard." and "I hear you" have become very common`. Even, the phrase "I hear you" can't be trusted anymore because we have become suspicious that the listener was giving assurance but actually wasn't listening nor hearing. When was the last time you really felt heard?

   2. "What do we listen for" does not mean the purpose of listening but the observations we note during the session

      1. The use and repetition of certain words or themes, the tone of voice, even pauses can sometimes indicate unexpressed thoughts & emotions. A person who might repeat "I don't care" or "I'm ok really ok" might care and might not be ok.

      2. One might also observe how the speaker's energy levels vary. When does he seem more enthused as opposed to being laid back or lacking in energy.

      3. Although listening usually involves the ears, being fully observant heightens our perception eg why would he be crossing his arms, or leaning forward vs leaning back at a point of time.

   3. Upon occasion we may need to call out our Coachee for contradicting himself or inconsistency. This is done after checking and clarifying, this requires courage and great tact to do well but it is part of active listening and if the trust has been built, it will be less of a challenge.
      

3. Active listening create a transformative space where those who think and reflect experience growth and achieve meaningful outcomes. Coachees

   1. There is an inexplicable phenomenon which happens when we hold space for another and simply listen. This past week, I was at a Teshuvah workshop where creative arts sparked off thinking and listening more intently to others. I noted that when the attendee was validated and affirmed (no advice given, no mentoring taking place, just listening and given short intuitive responses), the attendee could come up with his own answers and more importantly, knew his next steps. For me the 2 days demonstrated the power of listening and being listened to. Active listening has that special magic.

   2. One needs to trust the silences and the pauses because that's where the process is taking place.

   3. What we are listening for at Level 3 Empathetic Listening and Level 4 Generative Listening, is to catch the glimpses of possibilities, glimpses to what can cause a breakthrough for the Coachee.
      

4. Much can be said (and has already) about the 6Ps of Active Listening which encompass the elaborations of Competency #6.

   1. Principles - to be coachee centred, to allow the coachee to express himself freely, to take into account the internal and external systems in which the coachee operates

   2. Posture - sit facing the coachee, eye contact, neutral position etc

   3. Practice - being fully present, clarifying, reflecting and summarising

   4. Process - co-creating with the coachee to explore possibilities, developing outcomes

   5. Perception - helping coachee see patterns and that progress has been made. The smallest shifts of 0.01% will make a difference to change his direction.

Final Takeaway:

Coach Mel encouraged us not to go after the Big Aha Moment like a Holy Grail because if it comes, it's a gift. While my Coachee's transformation and his goals and outcomes are what I seek, active listening benefits me because I acquire wisdom and insight. We get to get the AHAs first.

Small changes may seem insignificant to us- listening may not have seemed like 'work' but actually is, very hard work. It requires conscious intentional practice and there are always higher levels of listening. Never despise the day of small beginnings. The flapping of a butterfly's wings in the deserts of Africa can evolve into a hurricane if the right conditions prevail.

Once again, we must trust the process and practice, practice, practice.

Coach Maire, signing off. Peace out!