Maintaining Presence is part of the set of competencies which enables us to co-create the relationship between ourselves and our Coachees. Presence appears as part of a mindset (Competency 2), as a way of cultivating trust and safety (Competency 4) and as a directive to maintain presence in Competency 5 and to listen actively (Competency 6) and thus the number of so-called touchpoints indicates the level of importance of this competency.
ICF defines Competency #5 as being "fully conscious and present with the client, employing a style that is open, flexible, grounded and confident"
In Episode 7, Coach Wendy Koh began with a 10 minute centering exercise which invites us to engage all our physical senses and our sense of intuition to 'arrive' at the meeting. This exercise showed us that though we were physically present, there were parts of ourselves which remained "busy" and distracted us from being fully present. Using a hypothetical example where someone was talking about subject matter which she might not be familiar with, in trying to grapple with our understanding we are not being present with the Coachee. Presence requires a great deal of intentionality and only through consistent practice of mindfulness are we able to increase our awareness of Presence or the lack of thereof. Coach Wendy advises doing quick check-ins with ourselves to build self-awareness and suggests the use of breathing techniques to ground ourselves into the session.
Per my usual practice, I like to list the elaborations of the Competency for my own reference:
Remains focused, observant, empathetic and responsive to the client
Demonstrates curiosity during the coaching process
Manages one’s emotions to stay present with the client
Demonstrates confidence in working with strong client emotions during the coaching process
Is comfortable working in a space of not knowing
Creates or allows space for silence, pause or reflection
Reflections on this Topic:
Presence is defined by Oxford Dictionary as being "the state or fact of existing, occurring or being present". Yet although it suggests something tangible, Presence is somewhat intangible and cannot be measured.
Coach Wendy refers to it as a "consciousness" while Marcia Reynolds talks about "energy". Doug Silsbee in his best-selling book, Presence-Centred Coaching says "presence is a state of awareness in the moment, characterised by the felt experiences of timelessness, connectedness and a larger truth." Presence is a perceived reality and very much a case of IYKYK.
#1 - FOCUS: We have a tendency to think that our distractions have increased because of smartphones and tech devices. We spend time scrolling Instagram, checking our Telegram and WhatsApp for messages and this causes us to lose focus on more important things. However, Harvard psychologists Matthew Killingsworth and Daniel Gilbert found that the human mind is actually wired for this state of continued distraction.
The study of 2,250 adults showed that we spend 47% of our waking hours "mind-wandering". It also found that mind-wandering has more to do with unhappiness rather than the activities we engage in which only accounts for 4.6% of our happiness and being fully engaged in the present accounts for 10.8%. Yup, we daydream by default.
In order to reclaim our most valuable resource, our Attention, we must necessarily play the mind game. Notice-Shift-Rewire is a recommended tool to change our mental state and should be practiced to that it becomes instinctive for us to react to distractions before we go into sessions (and not during sessions), With time, this becomes a keystone habit which Charles Duhigg describes as "a small action that has a disproportionate impact."
Notice when our mind start to wander.
Shift to Focus on the Now
Rewire - Take 10-15 seconds to experience what that feels like and enjoy that moment and the positive feelings will reinforce the activity as the brain rewires itself to want savouring our experiences
#1 - EMPATHY - Coach Wendy references Marcia Reynolds's book Breakthrough Coaching and talks about non-reactive empathy as a way to connect with your Coachee.
Reynolds emphasises the importance of non-reactive empathy. "Most people long to feel seen, heard and valued no matter what they express. They don't need you to feel sad, stressed, angry or anxious with them. You can compassionately share wha you are sensing and invite them to explore their experience so you both have a better understanding of how their emotions are impacting their thoughts But if you take in their emotions, your words and expressions will reflect and even amplify the intensity of their reactions.".
Exercises in practice of non-reactive empathy found in Breakthrough Coaching can help us grow in this area.
#3 & #4 - EMOTIONS - Reynolds says very clearly that the emotions we bring into and maintain throughout the session will either facilitate or frustrate the safety the coachee feels. They are not to know that they are not the cause of your emotional states and while they may come into a session in a different emotional state every time, the luxury is not ours.
Inconsistency and the inability to regulate our emotions renders us as volatile and unpredictable and not trustworthy. Their sensing will impact their willingness to open to learn and grow.
Suppressing our emotions still impact people's willingness to be fully honest. What needs to be done is for us to develop emotional self-awareness. When we recognise an emotional reaction we develop the skill to quickly shift rather than follow the trail that emotion is taking us. This is similar to the Notice, Shift and Rewire strategy above.
#2 & #5 CURIOSITY - I like that Reynolds says that you need courage to be curious because we are admitting to not knowing everything, of not being an expert.
Novelist Pico Iyer says "The opposite of knowledge isn't always ignorance. It can be wonder." Wonder contains 2 senses - the feeling of awe and the other of curiosity. When we bring a sense of wonder into how we coach, we become inspired to discover the depth and breadth of his identity, his experiences, how his mind works to make decisions and what is really important to them.
How much more will we strive to remain curious if the person before us is truly "Wonder-full", just waiting to be discovered, recognised and affirmed? It is (for want of a better example) like being completely entranced by someone new and exciting that we have met for the first time or our fascination with toddlers learning to speak and play. Both have potential of becoming more than who they are.
What will change for the Coachee if he truly sees that he is "wonderful", that he has the potential to be transformed, to be greater than he can imagine for himself? I live in an Asian society where it is rare to be told that we have strengths or that we are amazing people. Instead, we are compared to others all the time (why can't you be like Uncle Lim's son who is so smart?!!) and this is a very toxic form of judgment. Being intentional in finding the treasure in a person and noting this to them has really proved to me that wonder is a very powerful force to building relationships.
Final Takeaways:
I think I have to absolutely surrender the idea that I am not giving my Coachee his money's worth if I don't have any answers, only many questions. The less 'expert-y' I am, the more it becomes easier to be a co-creator because I do not have to lead. It is okay not to have all the answers. Humility is hard.
Speaking of answers and not knowing, the notion of Presence is still fairly vague and this is because much of the language of mindfulness tends to be spiritual and mystic in nature. Mindfulness is a discipline which I am still getting used to, slowly.
Whether I do or do not understand Presence intellectually does not change the fact that it works. Even a noob coach who turns up and is present can make a difference. So far every book I have read (errr.. 4) says the same thing - One has to trust the coaching process.
Coach Maire, signing off once again.
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