Competency #4: Cultivates Trust & Safety

In Episode 7, Coach Louise Hyland began the session by asking us what the word Trust meant to us. She then showed a picture of what perfect trust might be - a baby's hand holding onto its parent's open hand. We are born trusting but we learn not to trust, for our own safety (Stranger Danger!) Trust is broken if situations don't end as we expect. As we grow older, our instinct is to first scan environments for threats to trust and feel safe. Coach Louise says "A lot of people have to work at trusting somebody. It doesn't come that easily. That's why the word 'cultivates' is important because it happens over time, especially in a coaching relationship."

(Image: 'Judgy' hiker traveling and not giving help to someone who is blindfolded.)

Trust is a pillar on which one builds a coaching practice. As Kelvin pointed out, trust is like having a seasoned catcher and a safety net that emboldens a young circus artiste to attempt a trapeze stunt and Vikram, Chen Siew and Venkat describe trust as an environment where one can be vulnerable and confident, open to communicate without fear and this is clearly reflected in ICF's Competency #3 - the skill to partner with the client "to create a safe, supportive environment that allows the client to share freely".

The competency is elaborated as follows:

1. Seeks to understand the client within their context which may include their identity, environment, experiences, values, and beliefs

2. Demonstrates respect for the client’s identity, perceptions, style, and language and adapts one’s coaching to the client

3. Acknowledges and respects the client’s unique talents, insights, and work in the coaching process

4. Shows support, empathy, and concern for the client

5. Acknowledges and supports the client’s expression of feelings, perceptions, concerns, beliefs, and suggestions

6. Demonstrates openness and transparency as a way to display vulnerability and build trust with the client

Takeaway Time:

1. We identified being judgemental as being a major barrier to #1. In the same way that we scan environments for danger, we make quick decisions about a person when we meet them for the first time (11 decisions within 7 seconds). Marcia Reynolds in her book "Breakthrough Coaching" says, "Judgments show up in your choice of words and reactions to people. Your brain instantly discerns right from wrong, good from bad, and safe from dangerous based on your past - what you have been taught and what you have discovered from what you have read, heard, or seen. This makes you biased and judgmental." Her recommendation is that we acknowledge that we are indeed judgy and biased people. "To fully coach the smart resourceful person you are with, you must recognise your judgments, beliefs, and biases, and then forgive yourself for being human so that you can see what else could be real and true for them." As Coach Louise noted, "if someone isn't carrying baggage, they feel lighter and are willing to make a jump because it's not about success or failure when there is no judgement." More suggestion from Marcia Reynolds on how to cultivate trust.

   1. It begins with us. We need to give up the "habit of already knowing" and start by assuming nothing. In coaching sessions, we should frequently seek confirmation that our understanding is aligned with the Coachee. Even if we get it wrong when we check in - we are causing the Coachee to think about his thinking. Making the effort will deepen the connection because they will appreciate us try and see from their perspective.

   2. Track your emotional states intentionally 4 times a day. This helps us to be self-aware - What am I feeling? What do I think is causing me to feel this way? How do I want to feel or need to feel as a coach? There are many models which are useful to understanding the nuances of emotions including this one from Robert Plutchik (1958) and there is a difference within the range of each emotion.
      

Recognising and giving the correct name to what we feel helps us to arrest them before they might block the connection between ourselves and the Coachee. It will also help us become more intuitive in observing how our Coachee is reacting

c. Do a Judgment Field Trip - Although Judgment is perceived as a thought, Reynolds suggest that when you accept the possibility that it is an emotion, you can track it. In this exercise, you are asked to go to a place where your judgment can be easily triggered. Be conscious of your body's reactions - do you tense up in your gut or do you feel a migraine beginning? These are clues to how you are experiencing the emotion. What do you feel and more importantly, ask yourself is this emotion you want to feel. This practice helps you recode your emotional responses when faced with similar situations which trigger your judgment as you become familiar with those emotions.

1. Coach Louise also advocates Curiosity as the antidote for Judgment. When we become compassionately curious, our attention turns outward, away from ourselves and towards the Coachee we discover his context, the universe in which he exists. We begin to release the biases, we develop empathy and we would be able to express our support per #3, #4 and #5. Without this genuine curiosity about him, coaching is going to be a technical skill but will lack depth and sincerity.
   

2. #2 points to our approach when coaching. Our ability to reflect back to the Coachee is heightened when we are using the same vocabulary he uses, the tone and the style of speech even if it is not the same way we might express it. To clarify and check in is not to correct but to carefully align in the way we are communicating. We must adapt our coaching to the Coachee

   1. Watch for words like "I think...", "I see..." or "I feel.." as they point the way to how the Coachee perceives the world for example, if we are people who are more "thinkers" by nature than 'see-ers", we might adapt to a Coachee by asking "What did you see in this situation?" "What do you see as changing if you choose this course of action?"

   2. What does the tone and the speed indicate of his mental state? Questions such as "Wow, you sound more excited today. Would you like to tell me more" Rather than match the tone and the speed, perhaps counteracting to slow and calm the Coachee might be a better response.

   3. A sounding board is a flat piece of wood place behind a pulpit or stage to through the voice of the speaker forward. While we are not echoing the exact words a Coachee use, by carefully picking out how the Coachee is thinking and selectively clarifying and checking in we are reflecting the thinking process back which is how we help them to grow. Otherwise, without careful attention to excavate the root of the issue, we might simply fall into the trap of trying to solve a problem with the Coachee when there could be more potential to transform than to fix.
      

3. Communication does not have to be verbal. There are a host of non-verbal gestures which can be used to indicate support, empathy or concern.

   1. One of the most frequently used responses we think expresses empathy is "I know just how you feel." The truth of the matter is no one can really know how someone feels because we do not have access to their complex emotional history and therefore this should be used sparingly to avoid sounding cliched.

   2. Gestures like nodding, smiling at appropriate points, verbal cues like uh-m can communicate better than words sometimes

   3. Reynolds also has an excellent chapter on non-reactive empathy because it is possible for our sense of empathy to derail us from the real coaching.
      

4. Much can be explored about the power of the pause and silence which provides the space for the thinking process which will lead to aha moments. These pockets of silence are valuable safe spaces, holding spaces and psychological areas of refuge. This requires discipline and practice as we are uncomfortable of letting go of the need to fill silences.
   

Of all the competencies, Competency #3 is the most challenging because on the one hand, the Coach is expected to stay open and vulnerable by remaining open and transparent and be conscious of putting the Coachee's needs and goals first. To a great extent, most relationships are reciprocal in nature but in a coaching relationship, there must be some boundaries laid out to achieve the desired outcomes which makes it a little one-sided. Marcia Reynolds calls this "un-selfing" where we rid ourselves of any desire or distractions that might prevent us from being fully engaged. Suspending judgment and opinions and being empathetic may not be the easiest thing to do especially for new coaches. It has to be through practice, processing and more processing and giving ourselves enough space to fail and try again that we move forward in our journey to guide our Coachees.

Coach Maire, peace out.

PS: A simple Singapore Guide on how to adapt your way of speaking to your Coachee, according to the Generation they belong.